14 DAYS OF LOVE

Day 5: HURT and Finding Closure

                SOMETHING HAPPENED. It is not severe but it is causing me many sleepless nights. I am struggling how to express my thoughts without giving any bad/different light and if ever I am able to finish this post; publishing it will be even harder. Bahala na… I need this pain out of my chest and I am ready to face the consequences.

                My problem is this…

                Well not necessarily a problem, just something.. a little something that’s bothering me lately. And what’s most horrible about my situation is I don’t really know if I should be bothered/ get affected/ get hurt whatsoever. I did try conditioning my mind not to think much about it but I just could not handle things like this effectively. Being the manic that I am, I just can’t sit and pretend that everything is okay specially now that my friends are starting to notice something different about me.

                Okay, this is it… so help me God!

                It all started with a facebook status. My friend (one of my closest friends to be exact) posted something. Nothing distracting really. I have nothing against it but I did not know that her posts progressed into a big conversation- something upsetting and I would not even know about it if not for a concern friend who sent me screenshots of her ranting.

                My first reaction was like wow! This is loud… but was it really me she’s referring?  Ok help me analyze if I have every single right to get hurt.

Situation 1: She mentioned about Madam Auring. Something like “you look like madam auring from afar” and posted a photo that is very similar to my photo.

This case is very minor. Given that I really look like madam Auring from the photo and that she really intended the message  to come across me, honestly I don’t care. Case solve.

Situation 2: Another status was posted talking about a girl trying so hard to please others, putting make-up on and edits photos to make it super vivid.

                Again this is minor. I am not the only one interested with make-ups. Pleasing others? Well if that’s what she thinks then so be it. Editing photos? Enhancing is never bad as long as you don’t use somebody else’s face and claim it as yours. Masyadong malayo pa rin sa conclusion na ako nga ang tinutukoy nya. Case solve.

Situation 3: “Ang naga like sa iyang mga posts kay mga probinsyana.” This is not the exact statement that she posted but the thought is fairly similar.

                Now this is something big and hurting. Ako ba talaga etich tinutukoy ni jukems? This is getting market-ish but please bear with me. I really need to get this out of my system. Ako ba talaga tinutukoy nya? Oh God! She is my friend.. how could she talk like that? I might be paranoid but parang ako na talaga 2. Ganito kasi ‘to, every time I have a new blog post I post it as a status message at my facebook account. Tapos ang mga vocal likers were mainly from my own hometown… from the province of Davao del Sur. Oh God! I don’t want to entertain this thought. Do we really need to categorize the people who appreciate us? This is not fair!

Situation 4: Another individual replied to her previous status: “kaila ko ani, bul-bol na lang ang wla gi blonde”

                This time I broke into tears. My hair is not blonde either but I have this gut feeling that they really are talking about me. Why? I don’t know… I can’t recall a single instance that I have done them wrong. If they want to talk against me, must they have to make it in public where people can assume everything? I am not asking them to like me but talking bad about me is not reasonable.

Situation 5: The same individual added: “sa una pa ko dili ganahan ana nya… feeling artista.. feeling big timer”

                I am really hurt. If these statements were not for me, I know that someone (the one they call feeling artista with the blonde hair na kahawig ni Madam Auring na may mga tagahanga na taga probinsya) must be wounded also. L

                My friends told me to just ignore her. I did. But I can’t handle another week of denial that one of my friends might have some ill feeling towards me. I could be wrong but majority of our common friends already concluded that it was me they were talking about.

                I can’t draw my own conclusions because all statements were mainly “parinig”. If only she called my attention and told me upfront that “hey! Wla ko ganahi sa imong gnabuhat.. feeling kau ka sa imong blog2x na ang naga like sa imoha kay dli man mga high end… trying hard kau ka!”, then I can say that she really is a true friend for not holding back her thoughts and for being honest.

                They can laugh at me for drinking their served tea but at least I used a rather decent tea glass. I want to throw painful words also but I value the friendship and I don’t want to put a stain to my upbringing. Do I want settlement? NO! I just want to move on from this period of confusion, forget about her and just continue with my blogging even if a reader like her will throw painful words again. I am not making posts for approval anyway. I just want to make something out of my day and share it to people who are appreciative and kind. I stopped doing inspired looks for awhile because I need to be honest with myself that I need reevaluation.

                Wew! Did you really read this? LOL I am very sorry for the long rant and thank you so so so much for giving me the chance to find closure to my burden. I just needed someone to listen afterall.  Just someone to listen… no more spiteful comments and degrading words. And you don’t have to like this post either but if you do I will appreciate it uber! Let’s move on and just be happy… I just want to be happy and I think I deserve it. Masarap po mabuhay na wlang galit at hinanakit kaya find love with closure. I feel a lot better now.. I am heading back home.. wish me a safe travel. :D